What Would You Do?

I've been a bit amiss as of late. So many things on my mind.....

I went for my semi-annual mammogram on February 18th. I went in with the understanding that I was going to have an aspiration of the "mischeivous" cells the doctors have been watching very closely for the last 3 years. Much to my surprise, they decided NOT to aspirate. I should be happy about this, right?

But, in fact, I'm not. You see, as I've shared, my mother is a breast cancer survivor. Because of our family history (it extends beyond my mother) I had to go in for a baseline mammogram when I was 30 years old. Two days later, I got the call, that I needed to go in for Stereotactic Biopsy. I had a grouping of mischeivious cells they wanted to check out. At the time, they put in a metal clip, to "mark the spot" that they need to watch. Since then, I have gone for mammograms religiously. The last 3 years, I've gone every 6 months. I now have 7 different "groupings" in my breasts that are being watched.

I went into my mammogram, ready for the aspiration, and ready to just go on to the next step, whatever it is. If you have a similar history, you know how stressful this is, going for these mammograms every 6 months, never knowing if this is going to be the day you get that dreaded diagnosis. I can't sleep for 2 weeks leading up to my mammograms. The horrific thoughts that go through my head. Only to go in and the doctor tells me, "come back in 6 months". I walked out pissed this time. Why? Because I feel like I'm being held prisoner. I feel like the fear of hearing "You have Cancer" is starting to rule me. I can't take the psychological torture every 6 months.

After an hour drive back home, I sit hubby down, and tell him that I'm going to start the process of getting approval for genetic testing. To see if I have the marker for breast cancer. If I do, I'm ready to have my breasts removed. I'm almost 40 years old, I'm tired of carrying these things around, and I'm done having babies, so I don't need them anymore. Poor hubby was horrified, stating "that's rather drastic, don't you think". The fact is, NO, I don't think. What do I need them for now? They are not what makes me a woman (as I know for many women, they do)! They are nothing but a nuisance at this point, ruling my life. I'm mad, and I'm tired of the ride.

My question is....What Would You Do?